If you are a connoisseur of the adult films industry, chances are you’ve seen one too many pizzas go unpaid for, far too many sinks go unfixed, and you’ve yet to see a girl who isn’t in to EVERYTHING. Some of these scenarios are fun, and even others are just down right clever, but far too often they fall much closer into the category of played out, overused, and downright awful adult movie clichés. This article features the worst of the worst – the most outmoded, over the top, ridiculous scenarios we find again and again in a market that refuses to be glutted. The 15 WORST Adult Movie Clichés for the ages.
Number 15. The Pizza Delivery Guy
If we have to start somewhere, there is no better spot than the front door of some poor girl who seems to have forgotten her purse but went ahead and ordered some pie anyway. In the worst of them a chiseled, athletic, striking young man in his mid 20’s strides to the door – pizza box shoved under one arm with a quick hand through his hair as he knocks confidently on the door. The young maiden who had luckily already been standing on the other side opens the door immediately with a timid laugh. Does no one ever have the $20 bucks to get a damn pizza?
Number 14. The Parody
Alright – lets start with a bit of honesty. The Adult Film Industry practically LIVES on scenarios pulled straight from the celebrity headlines, movies, television shows, athletics, and just about any other possibly late night musing brought on by puberty or a mid-life crisis. Some of these wordsmiths are just downright impressive with the play on words we’ve all seen in XXX Blockbuster movie remakes and show parodies. But many of these would-be Shakespeares have tried way too hard and missed the mark on clever by a mile. We have to admit, there are some honestly clever titles out there that combine innovation with parody that also get straight to the point. “Free My Willy” and “School of C*ck” are well done, “Pulp Friction” is a perfect blending of parody and intent – even “Schindler’s Fist” has merit for a parody based on one of the most depressing movies of all time. But titles like “Cara Loft – Womb Raider” and “Sorest Rump” just make you shake your head… And “Edward Penis Hands?” Come on – Now you’re just being lazy.
Number 13. The Repairman
A variant on “The Pizza Delivery Guy,” this overdone cliché features a lonely housewife tasked with the strenuous task of monitoring a hulking plumber that seems to have left his pipe wrench in his pants while her husband is off at work. The obligatory, thinly veiled double entendre “I heard you need your pipes cleaned” follows a quick reevaluation of “services rendered.” Even the TYPE of repairman has become a cliché – it would be truly refreshing to see a gas man get his dues with a little in-home estimate. Perhaps the local auto service shop can begin making house calls. Hearing the words “I heard you need your lines flushed” never sounded so sexy!
Number 12. The Full Hand
Whether it’s a (co-ed, of course) dorm, a corner office, or a bedroom door left foolishly cracked open, ANY TIME a would be pocket-pool player gets caught with their pants around their feet, the other party is IMMEDIATELY interested in joining in on the fun. No shrieks of horror, no calls to the school board/human resources/mom or dad… Nope, just rabid desire to help a brother (sometimes literally) out. And the 1.5 seconds of feigned embarrassment ends before the door is closed behind them. Now don’t say you haven’t done “it” – we know you have – but if you got caught, you sure as hell wouldn’t lay it out on display like a trophy waiting to be won.
Number 11. The Dirty Cheerleader
Scene invariably in the locker room. Shower has plenty of room and the girls all pile in with you to get all sudsy and clean. Whoops, your best friend just caught you staring and she doesn’t mind a bit. As it turns out, every girl on your squad has the exact same idea and are ready to join in on the fun. OK – we get it – shower scenes are fun. But have you ACTUALLY tried doing it in the shower anytime recently? We don’t care how sudsy you can get – water is NOT a lubricant. Let’s say it together now… WATER is NOT a LUBRICANT!!! And this little soirée leads us into our next number.
Number 10. The Free Market
The rule is simple, easy to understand, and an industry standard. Every girl is into everything – without exception. Enjoy a private time with her best friend but her boyfriend shows up? Lets have some of that sausage on the side! Caught your man with the MILF next door – time for a double team. Find yourself on a farm… Well, you get the idea. The notion that anything can happen because all bets are off all the time is a time honored tradition in the industry, but imagine the plot twist where you hear a simple “No, thank you.” Now THAT would be an Oscar worthy performance!
Number 9. The 0 Chemistry Showdown
“You didn’t fold my socks right. Now you know what you have to do.” That is an actual example of the worst abuse of this cliché followed by the most maddening response we have ever encountered. “OK.” – Ok? OK!? Could you possibly try having even the faintest level of realism in any sense of the word? It felt like you could actually see their eyes straining left and right as they tried to piece out words on the script off camera. And here you sit with your significant other, mouths agape, any thoughts of sexy time pushed far from your minds until one of you snickers – and then the raucous laughter floods in and there’s nothing left to do but watch in rapt fascination to see just how bad this scene could possibly be… And that is the only regard in which it doesn’t disappoint.
Number 8. The Peeping Tom
See a strange man creeping in the bushes while you change for bed? Better invite him in to teach him a lesson in manners! The peeping tom cliché wouldn’t be so bad if you could just suppress that little voice in your head that keeps asking “Why isn’t she calling the police.” And as she gasps slightly, then knowingly pulls at her nightshirt revealing the peeper’s prize, the little voice chimes in again… “How does she afford this place by herself? She must have a really good job.” And as she slowly slips over to the window and opens it a crack, inviting eyes beckoning him in – there it is again. “How did she see him out there so easily? That room is back lit so heavily; there must be one hell of a window glare. She must use Pledge.”
Number 7. The Furniture Mismatch
The pizza man is in the living room, the repairman is in the kitchen, the peeping tom is in the ever-loving bedroom – but the least intended, most awkward, totally asinine furniture piece will always be chosen to do the nasty on. The sofa sits neglected as the pizza man three-ways on the coffee table. The kitchen island, with all that premium counter space, goes unused while the plumber cleans her pipes propped up on the kitchen sink. And for ALL that is good and holy – the bed is right there! Nope – time to roll his dice before he even gets off that dresser that was so effortlessly crawled onto through the second story window.
Number 6. The Barley Legal – MILF
How does age work in the adult film industry? Somehow the clock goes from barely legal teenagers bouncing on daddy dearest straight to the MILF next door. These timid temptresses start their mornings learning what it means to be a woman, and one fateful evening they suddenly burst forth as boy ravaging sex machines ready to turn the tables on any college student looking to make some extra money by mowing some lawns. Which brings us to our next question…
Number 5. The Ponytails of Innocents
Why? Just Why? Why does it always have to be ponytails the sweet little actress has up on each side to signify her innocents? And it doesn’t stop there – The librarian with her bun and thick black glasses, the hot teacher and her long blond hair, and the secretary (sorry, administrative assistant) with her to-the-point shoulder length brunette conditioned hair. It’s understandable that there is a “look” that is generally associated with these different scenarios – but can we please try mixing it up a bit more? Which of course leads us into…
Number 4. The Babysitter
The naive babysitter has fallen asleep on the job, and daddy gets home to see her sprawled out across the couch. She needs to be taught a lesson, and he knows just what to do. And does she run in fear the moment she opens her eyes to find him staring at her? Of course not! She has finally gotten the chance to follow through with the reason she agreed to baby-sit the little (invisible) brat in the first place…
Number 3. The Casting Couch
We have to be careful not to step on any toes here. The infamous casting couch has been the bread and butter of Adult Films since, it seems, the first days of raunchy film making. Saying that it is a cliché is a slap in the face to the literally thousands of film stars who have begun their careers on just such a couch. It seems like a right of passage for these young women (and men, to be fair) to be filmed and auditioned with a quick introduction followed by a list of their wildest sexual adventures to date, and finally stripped down and … But it still must be included if, for no other reason, it is the single most done adult film on the planet.
Number 2. The Doctor
When the doctor requests the removal of her panties for a ‘oral’ exam. That is called malpractice my friend.
Number 1. Don’t Forget to Smile
To prove they enjoy every bit of the ridiculously long coital engagement. A winning smile is plastered on each participants face, if it isn’t currently in the “O-Face” stage of the engagement. Have a roll of duct tape transform you into a frozen contortionist? Smile! Sometimes it’s just impressive to see what someone can smile through. But come on – fitting that third one in there can’t be that much fun.